Yelling About Nothing

At what point did the editors (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong in who makes these decisions asshole TV industry folks) of reality TV shows decide that it was a good idea to show us teasers that would have the exact same scene as what they are teasing?  I mean seriously, if you are going to show me something before you go to a commercial break you probably shouldn’t show me the exact same fucking thing on the other side of the break — if for no other reason than I have already seen the shit.

Here is a concept:  Show me something in the teaser that will “tease” me as to the excitement and entertainment that is forthcoming without using aforementioned excitement and entertainment.  You must leave hundreds of hours on the cutting room floor.  Use some of that.  We know some of it is good because without a doubt you’ll have 30 hours of bonus material on the DVD.  Why don’t you take thirty minutes of that from the season and put it in the fucking show and not show three minutes of duplicate footage every episode.

I’m going to clue all of you jackasses in on a little secret.  Your average escalator is wide enough for two full sized humans to fit.  So why don’t all of you lazy ass people who are so amazed by the fact that we have moving stairs that you have to stand still on them move over to the right hand side.  Yeah, that’s right, some of us actually might want to walk up the magical moving stairs and get where we are going sometime today.  It isn’t that hard of a concept to grasp.

For the fatties out there who actually take up 1.5x the average human width, I’ve got another fun little tip for you.  Stand with your ass on the right-hand rail of the damn escalator.  I might still be able to squeeze my normal sized human body by yours.  Don’t get me wrong I’m going to be disgusted by the fact that I have to squeeze between you and the other rail, but it will be well worth it for me in the end not to be stuck behind your fat ass.

A few times every year there is a big deal made about a small set of airline passengers that have to sit on the tarmac for a few hours while waiting for inclement weather to pass. Out of this there always seems to emerge the desire for an “airline passenger bill of rights.” I have a couple of problems with such a movement. First, can they call it something a little less pretentious? This isn’t the fucking Magna Carta or South African Constitution they are putting together here. My larger issue, however, is that they are completely missing the boat on what they are proposing.

The subtly named organization The Coalition for an Airline Passengers’ Bill of Rights (TCAPBR) and their President (and presumably only member) Kate Hanni has proposed the following:

• Establish procedures to respond to all passenger complaints within 24 hours and with appropriate resolution within 2 weeks.
• Notify passengers within ten minutes of a delay of known diversions, delays and cancellations via airport overhead announcement, on aircraft announcement, and posting on airport television monitors.
• Establish procedures for returning passengers to terminal gate when delays occur so that no plane sits on the tarmac for longer than three hours without connecting to a gate.
• Provide for the essential needs of passengers during air- or ground-based delays of longer than 3 hours, including food, water, sanitary facilities, and access to medical attention.
• Provide for the needs of disabled, elderly and special needs passengers by establishing procedures for assisting with the moving and retrieving of baggage, and the moving of passengers from one area of airport to another at all times by airline personnel.
• Publish and update monthly on the company’s public web site a list of chronically delayed flights, meaning those flight delayed thirty minutes or more, at least forty percent of the time, during a single month.
• Compensate “bumped” passengers or passengers delayed due to flight cancellations or postponements of over 12 hours by refund of 150% of ticket price
• The formal implementation of a Passenger Review Committee, made up of non-airline executives and employees but rather passengers and consumers - that would have the formal ability to review and investigate complaints.
• Make lowest fare information, schedules and itineraries, cancellation policies and frequent flyer program requirements available in an easily accessed location and updated in real-time.
• Ensure that baggage is handled without delay or injury; if baggage is lost or misplaced, the airline shall notify customer of baggage status within 12 hours and provide compensation equal to current market value of baggage and its contents.
• Require that these rights apply equally to all airlines code-share partners, including international partners.

I won’t take each of these point by point because frankly most of them are pretty boring and I really could give a shit about them. In fact, as I go through the list, aren’t most of these already policy? Have you ever had an airline lose your luggage and not notify you within 12 hours? Isn’t the fact that you aren’t taking off a good indication that there has been a delay? Do you really need an overhead announcement? This is just stupid.

In place of this, what airline passengers should really be trying to establish is a list of rules that apply to other passengers in an airport and on an airplane. I officially submit to you my Air Travelers Bill of Obviousness.

• If you have a small bladder or insist on stretching every twenty minutes on a three hour flight, you shall not request nor be given access to a window seat.
• On most modern aircraft your carry-on suitcase will fit into the overhead bin wheels first. You will be given one reminder per twelve month rolling period. Your second offense of putting your suitcase in the wrong way will lead to a twelve month suspension of your flying rights.
• Your belt buckle will set off the metal detector. Don’t bother walking through with it on “just to see.”
• When exiting the plane, wait for the people in isles in front of you to exit first. Just because you are a step quicker than the sixty year old lady in the isle in front of you doesn’t mean you get to have a two second advantage.
• While waiting for your row or zone to be called during the boarding process, your large ass blocks the rest of us from getting to the tunnel. Please step to the side.
• At the first sign of prolonged noise making or kicking of the seat in front of them, babies will be sedated.
• You do not get to exclusively use both arm rests on your seat. In the case of a full row everyone has right of first refusal on the arm rest to their right. This right can be waived by a majority vote in the row.
• If you are requesting a seat belt extender, take the train.

This list is a work in progress and isn’t exhaustive. I would love any suggestions for additions.